Adventures of Pandal

2years of putting up with you <3

Sat, 23 Feb 2013 11:05:16 -0500

2years of putting up with you <3

Cute pictures of us are cute

Sun, 03 Feb 2013 22:32:19 -0500

Cute pictures of us are cute

An old picture…but I love this boy, and we look cute :$

Sun, 03 Feb 2013 22:27:42 -0500

An old picture…but I love this boy, and we look cute :$

I think I win teehee

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 23:47:28 -0500

I think I win teehee

XXII: Quiz III

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 01:14:31 -0500

XXII: Quiz III:

lapis-laluap:

Why did you stop liking the last person you liked?
I wasn’t treating them the way I should of. Eventually I didn’t like them the same way

What are you listening to?
Emarosa - The Past Should Stay Dead

A quote from the song you are listening to?
For once don’t be so weak,
I see the mistake…

Quiz numero tres

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 00:52:28 -0500

Why did you stop liking the last person you liked?
because i started loving him (maximum cheesiness unlocked)

What are you listening to?
Nothing at the moment, but i was listening to Ed Sheeran’s “+” album

A quote from the song you are listening to?
“And if your DVD breaks today, should have got a VCR ‘cause I’ve never owned a Blu-ray true say” (idk why I always sing this part of the song to Paul)

What are you doing right now?

This quiz, on skype, and BBMing (cause ya.. I still have a blackberry)

Do you think your spoiled?
No, I think that in a first world kind of way, I’m ripe :D

What does your last text say?
Super lame but it just says “Ouu, quiz :D sure :)”

Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
nope nope nope, honesty is the best policy.

Last missed call?
My momma

Last person you talked on the phone with?
Also my mom cause I called her back LOL

Why did you cry last?
Because I have a bad sense of direction and my dad likes to exploit this weakness

What was the first thing you did when you woke up today?
Open my eyes…..

Could you live with roommates?

LOL yes, i would like to think so. Though i dont know how helpful I would be! I need to learn the basic necessary skills to ensure I will survive on my own (i.e. laundry, cooking etc.)

If you had to move in with one friend, who would you pick?

I actually would not mind living with my older Brother haha I mean, I’ve done it for 20years now. Buuuut since I can’t pick him, I guess I choose you..PIKACHU! (aka Paul)

What kind of home would you like?
A nice 2storey house, with a fully renovated basement, very spacious. Big Backyard (optional pool ahaha) with a fire pit :D so i can make s’mores whenever I want!!

Or just to live in a nice condo downtown LOL

Do you have a best friend?

Yes, a few :$

When were you the saddest in your whole life?
When I honestly thought I was going to lose one of my very closest friends. Where all I ever did was cry and had my trust broken.

..but everything turned out okay!

Do you like vitamin water?

XXX

Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
LOL never. I would like to think that I have a good judge of character and I very rarely EVER hate anyone..so for me to even hate someone it pretty much sticks.

What do you think of people who have sex before marriage?
“You only live once that’s the motto, fuckin’ YOLO” - Drake

Do you own a pair of green pants?
YES, I just bought some ~~this~~ last year!

Three months from now will you be in a relationship?
I hope so, or else someone needs to give back a certain awesome gift :P trololol

Do you believe that what comes around goes around?
The love you take is equal to the love you make.

What is your favorite fruit?
ermagerd, so tricky! I am indecisive so I am going to say pineapple, mango, strawberry.

In no particular order.

Who was the last person you were mad at?
Surprisingly, I can’t remember the last time Paul and I even got into a fight! So the last person I was possibly mad at was either my Dad or just the world LOL

What do you want right now?
Another week of winter break! (I would have said 2 but I didn’t want to be greedy)

What is the most important thing in life?
Is just to love and be loved in return.

And continuous happiness :)

What is the last song to make you cry?
Probably some Dashboard Confessional song because I whip that out whenever I’m spiteful and sad

Does anyone love you?
Hubby <3

What did you do today?
Helped out at ICAO’s CA$H competition, met up with bby and had lunch/dinner, then Einstein’s!

Is your best friend pretty?
All of my faves are GORGE, werk it gurrrls, *sparkle* *sparkle*

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
May 2012

What’s the one thing thats getting you through the week?
UGH I’ve been loving the past 2 weeks! Food, fun, and friends. I cannot say the same about the coming week though :’(

What do you miss?
Christmas Breaks longer than 2 weeks :’(

and Being a child with no responsibilities

Do you give out second chances too easily?
Depends on the situation and whether or not the person deserves a second change..but I’m also a big softie

Where is one place you want to visit?
Australia, Australia, Australia, and Europe.

What’s your favorite thing to have for breakfast?
FOOD OM NOM NOM :3

If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
Grades do not equate to your intelligence, money does not buy you happiness, cures to all the currently incurable diseases/illnesses, and that people stop hurting each other.

Ever had plans and broke them?
Totally and I’m sorry. But I haven’t done that in a loooong time, I’m usually straight up and tell them I don’t think I can make and thus don’t make plans. However, it’s totes happened to me recently

When was the last time you saw your grandparents?
Omgsh, Christmas Day over skype!

Are you a vegetarian?
Does a cow drink milk?

Do you lead people on?
I don’t think I’m even good at flirting LOL

Who are you jealous of?
People who live really close to their friends/bf and people with straight hair! haha

Are you a lover or fighter?
I fight for love ;D

What/who can always make you laugh?
tumblr :D

Ever given your all to someone who walked away ?
unknowingly, only to discover it when it was too late.

Is there someone you know you should hate, but you can’t?
I don’t really hate anyone, and when I do hate them, I do so :)

Do you like someone as more than a friend right now?

Dis pilipino boi.

Photo

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 21:51:58 -0500

Ode to Summer 2012

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 22:02:00 -0400

Tomorrow is my last official day of summer vacation before I start school as a third year student. Although I didn’t do anything crazy or traveled to a foreign land, I did spend a majority of it with that special someone. I’d like to think of this summer as two parts: 1) The Storm 2) The Honeymoon.

Towards the first half of summer we probably got into the biggest fight we have ever been in, in our entire year+ of being together. It became so hostile that all forms of communication shut down. I was completely bitter and cynical, searching for answers better than what I was given. I am a naturally happy person but this week or so this ‘storm’ existed, I was going consecutive days of crying [I’m also a very emotional person]. Ultimately, it came to the point where I could not find reasons to stay, reasons to be happy with him; that I almost called an end to our relationship. I honestly can’t tell you what it was that caused me to snap out of such an emotional spiral of pessimistic one track thoughts but when I did, I decided I was all in. I learned that I need to talk about my problems, repeat them, run through them over and over and I need someone to listen to me; offer me advice. I need to get it out of my system and see every detail of what happened, no matter how crucial or small. Only after I do that, can I come to terms with what happened and try to move on. He’s not perfect. I’m not perfect. But we genuinely try; not for ourselves, but for each other. In the end, that’s enough.

The latter half of summer, ‘the honeymoon’, was that much more special considering what we had been/were going through. Yes, a lot of the days we spent were indoors lounging around but even those were memorable. The ability and freedom to just be; wrapped up in blankets, lounging on couches, strolling downtown, and even gaming in public libraries. Not a care in the world, pure bliss. On the days we did spend outdoors, it was attempting do things we’d both never done before, trying to cross things off our 2012 to do list, or just plain being fatties - it was fun! The CNE was amazing time spent together, getting lost amongst the games and booths, winning prizes (thank you <3), and trying delicious (and super unhealthy) foods. I don’t see a more fitting way to end the summer than by spending my last day with you, since you’ve been the highlight of my summer.

- Sunshine

xoxox

bunnyfood: I’m so tired.

Sun, 12 Aug 2012 12:56:35 -0400

bunnyfood:

I’m so tired.

:3

Sat, 04 Aug 2012 12:36:04 -0400

reminds me of you :3

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 21:29:35 -0400

reminds me of you :3

Photo

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 15:06:55 -0400

Rainy day quiz #1

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 23:14:03 -0400

Who is your boyfriend/girlfriend at the moment?
Kristine Andal @ consistentlyinconsistent

What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?
Miso Soup (although technically not a beverage) but gawd it is the worst thing to spill

Are you in a good mood?
I am quite content yes

Do you like to wear sweatpants?
Yes, but especially in the winter!

Have you ever stolen a sign from a street?
What? Is that a thing? No I don’t roll like that

Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
Yeah that sounds like a lot of fun, just no maneaters please

Did you speak to your father today?
I did seeing as how today is Father’s Day

Have you lost friends in the past year?
Yep, my facebook is crying

When was the last time you hugged someone?
On saturday when I said goodbye to my girlfriend

How is your hair?
My hair is fabulous, like tee-fucking-riffic

Do you believe in love at first sight?
I believe in crush at first sight and love after a while

What do you usually do first in the morning?
Usually I wish I had a couple more hours of sleep then I call my girlfriend

Are you dating the very last person you kissed?
Yes I am, luckily!

What do you think about the weather?
The weather is fine, since I’m indoors

What is your natural hair color?
Onyx (AKA black)

Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
I’ve sung in front of a medium sized audience

When was the last time you really smiled?
When I heard my girlfriend laughing on skype voice chat, that laugh :’)

What did you do today?
Watched a movie with pops and my brother

How many cigarettes have you smoked today?
Nada.

How many people do you trust with everything?
Not many, more like just one haha

Whats so special about what your wearing?
Absolutely nothing, I mean I’m wearing shorts and a tank

What was the last thing you drank?
juice of the cow…mmm cow juice

Do you miss anyone?
I miss my gorgeous girlfriend

Does anyone disgust you?
Yes, cannibals disgust me

Think back to July 2008, were you single?
I don’t really remember, but let’s say no I was big pimpin’

Have you ever had a big fight with a best friend?
Mhmm, not fun at all, esp cause we’re dating

What were you doing at this time yesterday?
On the phone with mi senorita

Think back to September, were you dating anyone?
Yes I’m dating the wonderful love of my life

Funniest person you know?
Me.

Anything your looking forward to?
The next time I see my girlfriend and Warped Tour 2012

What do you do when you’re having a bad day?
Fap. Oh and eat. Sometimes at the same time

Last thing you ate?
Melona honey flavoured ice pop! Yeah be jealous

Purple or green grapes?
I like them both, but they have to be BIG

Whens the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?
Next time I see one of my friends, so probably tuesday

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
I wish I was in bed

Do you get mad or get even?
I get mad, like hulk smash mad, but like if hulk only got mad in his mind

If you could move right now, would you?
To California in a heart beat!

Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
Yes my current hair is mostly black, with some black highlights and lowlights

First person you text today?
First person I texted was my girlfriend

Did any particular thing brighten up your day today?
Talking to my gorgeous girlfriend on skype chat

What does your current Facebook status mean?
What? I don’t know, I don’t remember my last facebook status update

Three days from now this time, where will you be?
Hopefully in bed

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
I certainly hope so! I mean it’d be awkward if they didn’t

Do you smoke weed everyday?
All day e’r day like a forest fire

Could you go a month without cursing?
Not even remotely possible. Maybe a day

What do you miss?
I miss having more than 10 dollars in my bank account

Who was the first person you talked to today?
My girlfriend since I call her in the morning

Are you a patient person?
Yes, sometimes. But not right now all these questions are making me impatient

Do you think you could last in a relationship for 3 months?
Proven, certified, fo sho

How’s your heart lately?
Pretty good, my cholesterol is healty.

Think a lot before you fall asleep?
I think about sleep a lot

What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?
Fave thing to have on my bed would be a nice blanket

What was the last thing that confused you?
When I read that facebook question back there haha

Do you care deeply about others?
If they are important to me then yes of course

Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person?
Yeah and it was so awkward, talk about a face palm

Will next Friday be a good one?
Fridays are always good, what a dumb question

Do you think age matters in relationships?
“Age is just a number, jail is just a place” - Maverick Lazaro

Are you wearing a necklace; who got it for you?
No, all my ICE is with the jeweler being cleaned

Do you know anyone that smokes weed?
A bunch of my friends…I mean no.

When was the last time you ate popcorn?
Way too long ago, waaaaaaaaay too long.

What color is your phone?
My phone is a nice black brick

Do you chew on your straws?
With a passion

How many pillows do you sleep with?
Two, one for my head and another for emergency cuddling

Who did you last text?
Someone amazing

Interested in anyone?
Yes, very interested actually. Been interested for almost 16 months now

Have you been kissed by someone who’ s name starts with a T?
No I don’t think so

Does anyone call you babe or baby?
Yeah my baby calls me baby actually, what a coincidence

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
Yes I have, but they touched me in bad places

Think of the person who has hurt you the most in the past year, who is it?
Myself. I’m a big idiot like that. Always doing stuff that is counter productive

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
My girlfriend since we were in a pretty big fight recently

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
Yeah but you get over it and move on

Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
nope.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
Yes there is, I mean most people have a parent of the opposite sex

Are your parents religious?
My mom a little bit, my dad not so much

Is there someone that you love but you cant let it surface?
Huh? Jack from the titanic maybe but that’s because he’s a drowned frozen dead guy

Your locked in a room with the last person you kissed, would any problems form?
Yeah we might starve and I don’t like cannibals, so it’d get awkward

Who would you like your next “fling” to be with?
Maybe Miranda Kerr

Would you curse in front of your parents?
I curse quite often around the house so yes

Are you currently fighting with someone?
Nope, most fortunately not

When was the last time you laughed so hard you thought you were going to cry?
When I watched Kevin Hart’s “Laugh At My Pain”

Do you know anyone who acts tough, but they really aren’t?
Me. On the inside I’m a big fat baby

Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex?
Not seriously no

Were you single on your last birthday?
Nope I was happily married

Do you get stressed out easily?
Not really, I’m actually way too chill

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
All the time. Geez always doing stupid shit actually

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
My girlfriend since I call her at night

Ever been in trouble with the cops?
Yeah I’ve been busted for drug dealing a couple times

Would the last person you kissed be mad if he/she saw you kissing someone else?
Oh gawd yeah I’d be so dead. Like mad can not even begin to describe how fucked I’d be

Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yes I think so

When did you last make out with someone?
Saturday morning, in the wee hours of the day

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
I don’t cry (like a bo$$)

If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you?
Maybe

Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
Yes, it is just so comfy lying there

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
A while ago

Exp0sed

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 22:45:00 -0400

Ready to spill your guts?
Bring it ;D

Who is your boyfriend/girlfriend at the moment?
unfortunately… Paul Hernandez (jokes) <3

What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?
Well the last beverage I spilled on myself wasn’t technically spilled by me, it was spilled by a waitress onto my crotch who proceeded to wipe the area..first class service obvi ;)

Are you in a good mood?
Surprisingly, yes!

Do you like to wear sweatpants?
When it’s cold, but since it’s summer.. SHORTS SHORTS SHORTS!

Have you ever stolen a sign from a street?
Nope, i’ve stolen a sign from a ttc subway car though? _badass

Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
No. definitely not.

Did you speak to your father today?

Yes I did, it’s Father’s day woop ;D

Have you lost friends in the past year?
In the past week, LOL. Good riddance to bad rubbish, yolo.

When was the last time you hugged someone?
Saturday I hugged the best people in the world <3//sorry me and my dad just don’t hug it out LOL

How is your hair?
Aux naturel

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Mmm..I like the idea of it but I don’t think its very realistic

What do you usually do first in the morning?
Open my eyes, stretch, and text Paul to call me because chances are I am awake before him!

Are you dating the very last person you kissed?
Yep

What do you think about the weather?
It’s raining and hot. Since it is raining I can’t open my window, thus I am hot. But i like summer so.. I have conflicted feels

What is your natural hair color?
Very very very very very dark brown….almost black. LOL jk, it’s black. But it turns brown under the light? :3

Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
Do filipino parties count?

When was the last time you really smiled?
Saturday probably

What did you do today?
Caught up on some reading, ate chips for every meal except dinner, loafted on the computer woo!

How many cigarettes have you smoked today?
OH yknow, the big chain smoker I am..I had a whopping 0.

How many people do you trust with everything?
The number has dwindled down quite a bit, if I answered this a couple weeks ago the number would def be higher..but as of this moment, probably 4.

Whats so special about what your wearing?
UHM..i’d probably never wear it outside? lol idk
What was the last thing you drank?
Coke

Do you miss anyone?
A little bit :$

Does anyone disgust you?
LOL Y E S.

Think back to July 2008, were you single?
Yep, single pringle ;)

Have you ever had a big fight with a best friend?
Yes and I’m a big softie and cry and it was terrible and never again :(

What were you doing at this time yesterday?
This time yesterday I was trying to stay awake after having little to no sleep from waterloo wasted weekend ;D (alliteration)

Think back to September, were you dating anyone?
Yes and it had been for 7months I believe

Funniest person you know?
Merp.. all my friends are pretty hilarious I think…LOL

Anything your looking forward to?
June 25th at 5pm, that is when real freedom starts!

What do you do when you’re having a bad day?
OMG..cry, vent, sulk, and listen to music usually Dashboard Confessional’s Places that You’ve Come to Fear the Most :$

Last thing you ate?
CHINESE FOOD om nom..deep fried shrimp wonton

Purple or green grapes?
Purple, i love purple and don’t think i’ve had very many green grapes in ma lyfee

Whens the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?
Uhhm..that depends on when I see Paul :P or any of my friends over the next couple days..exam season TnT

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
YES, somewhere with air conditioning.. PAUL’s basement pls sooo coooold :3

Do you get mad or get even?
LMAO I say i’ll get even but am too nice to do it..so I get mad and spiteful teehee

If you could move right now, would you?
Yes. Definitely yes.

Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
It is all my natural colour

First person you text today?
Paul, which I haven’t done in awhile lol!

Did any particular thing brighten up your day today?
Candy!

What does your current Facebook status mean?
That hipster’s are a joke

Three days from now this time, where will you be?
At home relaxing from writing my marketing geography exam

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
LOL I hope so…*cough *cough

Do you smoke weed everyday?
Oh yeee, all day errday. Except not really..I’ve never tried it

Could you go a month without cursing?
I think I could!

What do you miss?
Having a legit summer and not having to worry about anything or any responsibilities :(

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Paullen

Are you a patient person?
No..but I try to be

Do you think you could last in a relationship for 3 months?
Done and done

How’s your heart lately?
I am, in repair (8)

Think a lot before you fall asleep?
Depends on the night

What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?
Pillows

What was the last thing that confused you?
Why a silly boy decided to do these silly things to me..

Do you care deeply about others?
I think I do. Until they prove me otherwise

Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person?
Yes! Having a friend named jason and a brother named jason sometimes doesn’t work out

Will next Friday be a good one?
Possibly, it’s 16 :)

Do you think age matters in relationships?
Age is just a number and jail is just a place

Are you wearing a necklace; who got it for you?
No necklace but one of the only necklaces I own was given to me by my bff :$

Do you know anyone that smokes weed?
LOL every one of my guy friends

When was the last time you ate popcorn?
UGHH soo long ago, gimme dat jalapeno popcorn from kernels pl0x

What color is your phone?
My phone is black but it has a purple cover (i love purple)

Do you chew on your straws?
Yes

How many pillows do you sleep with?
I sleep with 1 under my head but there are 4 on my bed….

Who did you last text?
A silly boy

Interested in anyone?
Oh yeee, dis one pilipino boi. He iz da shit

Have you been kissed by someone who’ s name starts with a T?
No

Does anyone call you babe or baby?
Yes :$

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
Yessss story of my high school life //i guess everyone is technically older than me since my birthday is in december..

Think of the person who has hurt you the most in the past year, who is it?
..he’s also made me the happiest this past year too though

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Mr.Hernandez

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
I have yet to let anyone ‘go’ per say.. but hey, she burned bridges therefore she needs to pce.

Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
Uh didn’t really listen to music today but Ed Sheeran’s Lego house just played on the MMVA’s and it reminds me of Ron Weasley

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
Yes lots of them :$

Are your parents religious?
Technically lol

Is there someone that you love but you cant let it surface?
Dallas Green is married, and homewrecker doesn’t look good on anyone ;(

Your locked in a room with the last person you kissed, would any problems form?
Nope

Who would you like your next “fling” to be with?
…honestly, Kristel….LOLOL jk

Would you curse in front of your parents?
Never

Are you currently fighting with someone?
Finally am not fighting with anyone!

When was the last time you laughed so hard you thought you were going to cry?
Watching Artemio’s lipdub video and Kevin Hart’s “Laugh at my Pain”

Do you know anyone who acts tough, but they really aren’t?
YESSS all da bois in ma yard.

Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex?
Paul probably, accidentally

Were you single on your last birthday?
Nope and had the best birthday ev4r

Do you get stressed out easily?
YES school sucks

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
Probably all the time but nothing in particular comes to mind atm

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
Paul ‘the exposer’ hernandez LOL

Ever been in trouble with the cops?
Nevaaaa i iz a good qirrl

Would the last person you kissed be mad if he/she saw you kissing someone else?
omg yes it would be awkward and i’d have lots of explaining to do

Have you ever crawled through a window?
No, but i wanna try!

When did you last make out with someone?
LMAO “saturday morning, in the wee hours of the day”

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Only all the time..true story

If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you?
yes

Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
LOL NO, but yolo ;)

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Whenever I get suuuper mad at paul.

WOO DONE.

Shoop da woop, emotional shit alert! Keep scrolling

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 03:08:38 -0400

I don’t think people realize that sometimes the person who suffers the most is the one who is happiest on the outside. It’s a mental thing. Maybe trying to look content will bring real happiness. And why share any of that pain because nobody really wants to know about it. Besides the human body is capable of handling an incredible amount of pain, stress, and can survive many volatile situations. So holding it in becomes second nature. Every ounce of pain gets stored. Filed away in the recesses of the mind. Guarded under lock and key, and preferably forgotten for as long as humanly possible. Well if getting rid of feelings was that easy I think the world would be a much different place.

I’ve always abhorred the idea of self-destruction. Why would someone want to end things when life is so full of possibilities? But I think when you find yourself with no way out it becomes almost impossible not to think of it as the only option. There are only so many times you can break down. Eventually you hit that threshold and find yourself on the precipice of something unknown. Because when waking up feels like entering an unending hell, there is no going back. Here is the real clincher. All it takes is a moment. Just one second. A single step forward, one pull, one swallow, one cut, take your pick. Sounds incredibly simple.

Isolation is like a double-edged sword. Or rather, isolation is like a drug. It draws you in. Promises a respite, calm, and peace. Since when you find you brain practically melting from the overload of noise, imagery, and sensation, you simply turn off the television or computer. Could work the same way with your brain. You don’t want to feel? Don’t worry just bury yourself within yourself. Make your mind and body a temple of isolation. Become the fortress of solitude. Run and hide from everything that could be drudge up an unwanted memory. Don’t believe those lies though. Isolation is not a friend. It is the friendly stranger at the bus stop with you that is making polite conversation. Little knowing that the small talk is a front to the wrong end of a knife. That is isolation. You sucker yourself into a false sense of security, or at least you become content with a false pretense. Slowly and surely that knife reaches a vital organ and you find yourself unable to return to where you came from. So you try to run. Run as fast as possible back to some semblance of reality. But you’re going in circles. Lost in a labyrinth you created with your eyes closed. All you find is nothing but everything makes you tired. Tired down to your bones. Tired down to your very soul.

I’m so very tired. Tired of losing a battle I don’t think I ever had a chance to win. Tired of fighting a war that means too much. Tired of knowing that in the end the casualties are much too personal. So very tired of hearing that 15 months means nothing. That time is the great leveler and all things eventually fall. Sick of the fact that one thing could knock down the empire you helped build. The kingdom that was your playground is reduced to ashes in front of your eyes and all you can do is watch as those walls crumble around you.

It’s true I made mistakes. I have done things that I regret. In the end I was still proud of who I was. Still happy and optimistic. Still able to breathe in the morning and sleep at night. Now all I feel is me coming apart. Slowly and surely slipping into a dark, dark place. Was I really nothing? Am I really nothing? You make it so easy to hate myself. Almost as easy as it is to love you. But I’ve never felt more unloved, more unwanted, more worthless. I doubt myself too much now. Can’t even think straight. I can’t even fucking breathe. Every inhale is like the one right after holding your breathe for too long. Greedily, hungrily, desperately trying to get that life’s breathe. But whatever gets into your lungs chokes. It doesn’t help at all. You try again and again. Oh so futile the attempts are to breathe. And when you don’t think you can last another minute you implode. Like the big bang. Slow but steady. Rumbling through every fiber of your being. Threatening to reverse almost 20 years of life.

Yet death is so final, and yes life is full of possibilities. I want so many things in life. The simplest things are the things I want. Just give me a nice little house. Let me work a decent job. Let me have some wonderful kids in my life. Let me raise them, play with them, teach them to ride a bike, drop them to school, console them when they cry, be there when they laugh, see them grow up, marry someone they love, get visits from the grandchildren. Let me grow old myself. Move to California. As south as I can get in Cali. Let me set up shop on a pier by the beach. Nice little ice cream shop where I can live out my days. I want to read interesting books, watch awesome movies, sleep in till noon. I just want so bad to be happy, but it’s hard.

Have you ever wanted to be someone else? I think everyone has at one point. Just for an hour, maybe a year even, be someone your not. What do they feel? What do they know? Who are they? What it really is about is the escape. The idea of losing one’s own burden. Because sometimes being yourself is like being a piece of shit. It’s like crawling on the bottom of the ocean sucking up the sand, dust, and dirt for food. Trying to live on the fringes of everything. Like how pathetic is that? To want nothing more than to jump out of your own skin and crawl into the skin of someone else.

Photo

Sun, 03 Jun 2012 23:29:05 -0400

me + paul = pandal

Sat, 26 May 2012 16:51:56 -0400

me + paul = pandal

Cute bunny :)

Fri, 25 May 2012 15:15:56 -0400

Cute bunny :)

Make You Feel My Love

Wed, 16 May 2012 22:22:04 -0400

Things I’ll do for you:

let you make all the decisions
play games with you (not necessarily let you win though)
watch your favourite television shows
kiss you
cuddle
let you be the big spoon
listen to your favourite songs and bands
be silly with you
share my secrets and keep yours
love you forever

Things you should do for me:

take care of and protect me
cuddle
make all the decisions
not force me to watch scary movies <3
read me bedtime stories
spill your secrets to me and tell me your adorable stories (rocks and all)
listen to me sing (occasionally rap)
surprise visit me
bake with me
love me forever

You are the other half, you’re like the missing piece. Oh...

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 18:52:58 -0500

You are the other half, you’re like the missing piece.

Oh my love, you don’t know what you do to me.